Every hard talk is three talks.
Stone, Patton and Heen's classic, “Difficult Conversations”, shows that every tough conversation runs on three levels at once.
What happened
The Facts
“Here's what I saw. What did you see?”
- Shift from blame to contribution
- Assume you're missing information
Feelings
The Emotions
“I was frustrated. How was it for you?”
- Feelings leak if you don't name them
- Acknowledge before problem-solving
Identity
What It Says About Me
“Am I competent? Am I a good person?”
- What's really at stake for them
- For you, too
Source: Beyond Intractability ↗
Have it early, in person, with curiosity.